Close Your Eyes

I was washing dishes when his name came to me. Paul, something said. The name of the boy in my book. I hadn’t even decided exactly what the book would be about but I’ll take it to my grave that God knew. Paul. Oh, how I love my Paul.

I’m writing the second book from his perspective and it is just killing me to watch him suffer. I can’t pull him out of the pit yet, he isn’t humble enough.

I’m getting a sense of why God let me stay in the pit for all those years. Years and years and years of depression. Oh, glory, I learned so much. Things I’m sharing with and through my characters.

Wouldn’t it be lovely to know when the name lodged deeply in my heart? Before I was an author, I’m guessing, and God brought it to the surface like bubbling soap.

I thought I’d share my speculation. I’d say the name got caught in my dream-catcher in October of 2014.

If you’re curious, I’m about to share the words I wrote from the pit way back then. Otherwise, you’ve reached the stop reading spot. Farewell, friend.

P+A+U+L+P+A+U+L+P+A+U+L

I don't know where it went... or what I did to lose it... but it was gone...

It was here and then it was gone.

My steady footing. My feeling of stability and power and confidence springing up from an inner well.

That is what humble feels like. No, past humble into desperate. painfully aware of my own weakness.

Sunday morning hit and I couldn't get out of bed. How could I be happy outside of this warm blanket when I'm not even happy inside this warm blanket?

My husband asked me a question that both irritated me and...well, it mostly irritated me. He asked, "a couple of years ago if you went through this what would you have done?" I was irritated because he knows I have a history of quitting endeavors when they get hard. I was more irritated because his question implied that I am somehow not that person anymore. Am I a new creature? And still so weak.

I didn't quit on Sunday. It was my husband's question that kept me going, in a way. In a bigger way it was my daughter's tiny hand rubbing my shoulder. She climbed into bed and started softly sweeping my skin. She started to pick at me the way that I pick at her, like little monkeys grooming. I didn't quit on Sunday because her touch reminded me that there is someone following after me, doing what I do.

I'm learning that when I lose my footing I need to close my eyes.

Inside my frail and weak human frame there really is a well. Paul said it this way:"we have this treasure in earthen vessels."

"Not that we are sufficient of ourselves to think any thing as of ourselves; but our sufficiency is of God."

I close my eyes and ask for help.

With my eyes closed I understand Paul's insight: "we walk by faith, not by sight." I figuratively reach for that treasure, that well, that drink of water. I literally ask for Christ's atonement to fill me with the hope and strength that I cannot access alone.

With my eyes open I sometimes feel bound to the world. I feel uncomfortable knowing all I have to pass through in the day, the week, the month.

Eyes closed, "God hath shined in our hearts."

Eyes open, "we are troubled on every side."

Eyes closed, "but not distressed."

Eyes open, "we are perplexed."

Eyes closed, "but not in despair."


The hard truths are these... we don't belong here... "whilst we are at home in the body, we are absent from the Lord"... sometimes we feel mortal discomfort so profoundly that we wish we could quit... "we are willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord"... we are asked to stay and live a life of blinking eyes... "as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing, and yet possessing all things."

The life of a disciple will be filled with moments of strength of character... moments when it is clear to see our purpose and direction...

The life of a disciple will be filled with moments of humbling weakness... moments when we realize our understanding is so limited and lacking...

Still, when we close our eyes we can come unto our houseguest and find power to endure. "as God hath said, I will dwell in them, and walk in them; and I will be their God, and they shall be my people."



scriptures take from King James Version of 2 Corinthians 3-6.